I really hate my life right now. Everyone is taking pieces and bits and time from me, it feels like my life isn’t my own. I have doctors appoinments almost every other week. I have Dance responsibilities nearly everyday, and my parents won’t get off my case for not finding a new job. My dance teacher is giving me shit for having medical appointments! are you shitting me?! Does this bitch think it’s my choice having bone problems. I have also been looking for a new job like crazy and all I ever hear from my step dad is, “Your son is so lazy. all he ever does is sit on his ass. He wil never do anything with his life.” This asshole thinks that work is more important than an education. When I try to tell my mom that I need help in classes and my dance teacher keeps us till whatever hour she bloody well feels like and then I have AP and advanced classes to do work for, but she doesn’t care. She says that since I don’t work I shouldn’t be aloud to complain that my life is hard. What the actual fuck. I just need some space to breath for fucks sake.

This has been a rant, followers sorry. I know you might not give a shit.

I don’t really know who I am anymore, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Perhaps I never knew myself to begin with. Either way, the feeling of being oblivious to oneself is overwhelming. Am I my name? My words? My actions? A combination of these? Or maybe who I am in their absence. Films make finding yourself seem so effortless, and books make it seem like a wonderful adventure, but the truth is finding yourself is a life-long journey because we’re constantly changing. Growing. Adapting. So maybe I haven’t lost myself. Maybe I’m just growing into the new me. That’s a comforting thought, I haven’t been to happy with myself lately. The thought that I might become a better me is very comforting. I might be lost. I might be changing. Either way I’m not who I thought I was, and I don’t know whether or not that’s a good thing.

Romance is hard enough in one’s teen years. Romance while being gay is even worse. Being a gay teenager means that you don’t get to openly express your emotions as often as other people. It means having to hold your tongue and watch your crush pass you by. Now sure there are more openly gay teenagers today than in the past, but that doesn’t mean they’re as easy to spot as you might think. A lot of LGBT teens would also rather be in a secret relationship, so open teens can kiss any cute romantic date fantasies goodbye. And while we can still ask someone out or confess our feelings to that special someone, the very sad truth is— the feeling will not be mutual. So yeah being an LGBT teen can really suck sometimes, especially when all your friends are going out on dates and getting ready for prom and all that jazz while you’re stuck in the spectators section. Being openly gay is very liberating compared to being in the closet, but it can be a real bummer most of the time. I just want to have a nice open relationship with a boy at school who isn’t ashamed to hold my hand. Or kiss me, or walk me to class, etc., but finding a boy like that is easier dreamed than done.

Being me can really suck sometimes. Or always. Mostly always

It’s okay to feel like shit sometimes. It’s fine to want to break down and curse the world for the hand you were dealt. It’s completely normal to be filled with rage, there is nothing wrong with that. Just remember that everything is temporary. Everything. As my mother always said, “You may hate the world for now, or for however long you want, but the world doesn’t give two shits about you.” and it’s true. It is your choice if you want to be bitter, but the world will not stop and change its course for you. How you play your cards is up to you. Find a different game, find different players. Nothing is going to change until you allow change withing yourself. So don’t dwell on the bitterness you feel now. Think of it as more of a resting stop, then get back on your feet and move on, because nobody’s going to wait for you, so just do it.

Drifting apart leaves vacant spaces.
Conversations half spoken.
Relationships— unfinished.
Drifting apart made me realize;
I could still love you more,
But denied me the chance
To hate you for it.
Drifting apart leaves everyth…

I know I haven’t posted many posts about my depression and such, but with good reason. For a while I was doing really well. Really, really well, I didn’t worry about the big dark monster that haunts me all the time. As of late though I have been getting bad again, real bad. I started cutting again. We never really get better do we.

I write about you, and I hate you so much, yet all my writing makes me smile when I read it over. Occasionally I’ll let someone read some of what I write and they’ll say things like, “Wow, this is so pretty,” or “This is so relatable,” but I can’t relate to it, because I hate everything you did! So, why then, do I fall in love with you all over when I write about you…